Coaching and helping others through their pain over the years has taught me some profound lessons. The biggest being that any feelings, thought, or emotion you're going through - someone else has gone through the same. This is what connects us all. I offer more guidance on self-compassion and love in my free guide here. Getting over a broken heart can take a lot of energy, work, and time. Don't try to force yourself or listen to anyone who says "just get over it". You might think you're over it, then have a dream about this person and get flushed with feeling all over again.
It can take a long time, and that's okay, so be very gentle with yourself. It helps to talk to someone about it like a trusted friend or coach for guidance moving through the feelings. Most people are very afraid of negative feelings and will do anything to avoid them. Remember that feelings can't hurt you. They are simply an energy that needs to move through you and move on.
Remember that you're not crying for the other person, you're crying for yourself.
To release the grief of the future that you saw with this person. It only existed in your mind, in the potential you could see, but it was there nonetheless. This is especially needed if you're feeling a lot of anger. Anger, sadness, anxiety, grief, depression, are all energies that want to be released from your body. One of the best ways to get the energy out is to get moving. Go for a run while blasting your favorite music through your headphones.
Punch a punching bag seriously, kickboxing class helped me get through A LOT of emotions. Get your sweat on in some way, and do it consistently. Forgiveness is not about the other person or letting them off the hook.
Forgiveness is for YOU. In fact, the definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling anger or blame at someone who has done something wrong. Most of the time if a relationship didn't work out, it simply wasn't a good fit.
If we're coming from a place of full self-esteem, we would be able to see that and move on. But often in a relationship we feel a "spark" with someone for reasons that we cannot possibly understand. They come from deep seated beliefs as a child, and that person triggered a hurt or pain inside of you. Don't allow this hurt and anger to become your story while they're out there moving on.
By forgiving, you break the chains that are binding you and allow yourself to live a better life with the person you are meant to be with. Write a letter of forgiveness, say a prayer, or set the intention to forgive. Be honest with yourself if you're truly wanting to get over a broken heart or if you're harboring secret hopes that the two of you will get back together.
While this is not wrong in any way many of us feel it! It helps when you can remember not to see the relationship through rose colored glasses. It's so tempting to look back on a relationship and only see it for the potential you believe it had.
We tend to remember the part where we were falling in love, when they were at their best selves, when we were at our best self, when we had ridiculous sex or that surprise dinner that was everything. But there is a reason why you broke up. Be honest with yourself and the relationship for what it was, not just what you remember it as being. Get back to your own personal power as soon as you can. You may not be able to control what your ex does, but you can control your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Perhaps you are still carrying the pain and refusing to let go because who would you be without the pain? It is difficult to release pain following a traumatic experience.
But as you know, the wall you build to protect you is the same wall that prevents love finding its way into your life. Remember my earlier metaphor of the dam built of rocks. Ultimately the wall will must come down if you wish to find the freedom to be yourself again. I want you to know it is natural to protect yourself. It is natural to experience hurt when the pain is too much to bear.
It is natural to cry yourself to sleep because nothing else makes sense, other than to identify with your emotional wounds. However I assure you, in the months and years that followed, it was the most pivotal point in my life.
I discovered the emotional pain settles and what is left is a most beautiful and expansive energy of love that has always been there. I liken it to moon gazing where the clouds sometimes obscure the moon. Yet, when the clouds pass, a full moon reveals itself hidden briefly beneath the cover of clouds. The same is true of your pain. You can hold on to the pain or choose forgiveness and self-compassion, so love flows through you once more.
You are the embodiment of love.
Pain and disappointment are transitory states unless you attach yourself to them. First, forgive yourself and others who contributed to your pain. If you need professional guidance, seek a trained counsellor or therapist who can direct your healing. Forgiveness is the entry fee you pay for the freedom to be yourself once more.
If the wall you constructed is your shield of protection, then forgiveness is the doorway through it. It shows you how to find inner peace, knowing you can withstand the torrents of life. Forgiveness is the key to a better life and the freedom to experience the gentleness of love within your heart. Second, lean in to your pain and experience it at your own pace.
Naturally, what you stow away builds energy, so the emotional wounds will consume you. In collaboration with trained therapists, I helped the individual to heal their emotional and physical pain so they were able to discover freedom within themselves. By drawing on mindfulness and self-compassion, your emotional wounds can be transformed.