He'll remember you for the laughter it brings. Adults Only show more. The Best Books of Check out the top books of the year on our page Best Books of Looking for beautiful books? Visit our Beautiful Books page and find lovely books for kids, photography lovers and more.
Other books in this series. Amazingly funny and unique. I'll see you later!! He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. He took another mighty swing with his 3-wood and the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer? Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home totally frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Dave sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter! Then, my wife sneaked up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.
His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break , but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn Back to the Table of Jokes Weather golf jokes MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally, MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf. The long, straight fairway ran along a road that was fenced on the right.
The green was slightly to the left of the straightaway with another road paralleling the green from which golfers often received heckler calls. The first golfer teed off with a long ball slice in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence, bounced yards down the road, where it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course stopping just 10 yards short of the green.
As they all stood in amazement, a fellow golfer asked, "How on earth did you do that? Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. Back to the Table of Jokes New Clubs golf jokes Carl and Dave were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when Dave noticed that Carl got a new set of clubs. Dave asked Carl how he liked the clubs and if they've helped his game at all. Carl replied, "Oh yeah, they're great clubs! They've added at least 25 yards to my slices, about 30 yards to my hooks and you would be amazed at the size of my divots!
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force and he dropped! Earl and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet. You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight! You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e not interested in finding out what it is!
You quit the game forever, twice a month! You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky! You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing! The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined! You can't break a but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!
Back to the Table of Jokes Weight golf jokes A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are 'skinnier' than the married ones. The study's explanation for this result was interesting.
It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed. The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
Back to the Table of Jokes Obituary golf jokes A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you Father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.
While waiting on the first tee, he saw the two-some in front of him throw something shiny in the trash. After they got halfway down the fairway, the guy reached into the trash and pulled out a golden bowl. He rubbed it to get the dirt off and a genie popped out. The genie told the guy that he would grant him 3 wishes, under the circumstances that his ex-wife would get double what he wished for.
The guy said he wanted a Lamborghini. The genie reassured him that his ex-wife would get two of them. The genie said there was a Lamborghini in his driveway. As luck would have it, he died soon after and when the funeral was over, his buddies met. The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make.
I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic. He replied "I most certainly did I just can't putt anymore. I've lost my touch. It must be my nerves or maybe it's old age" Jimmy, sarcastically replies, "Or maybe it's that six-pack you drank on the front nine" Back to the Table of Jokes Secrets of Great Golf golf jokes A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?
Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was all alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you? He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that? As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle.
The doctor gave Mac the old man's name and suggested that he could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Mac, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle! Well Mac made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Mac drove his ball about yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went.
He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot? His buddy asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee.
She then took her driver and hit the ball yards down the middle, right in front of the green. She was closest to the pin. I left a tricky little putt. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell but of the ball, and it landed nearly yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup. Your car or mine? If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life. Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf. Your golf partner will never say, "What?
We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about? He stood up and said, "Well, you poor useless lot of sissies, there is too much good in the world. You are all time wasters and you make me sick. Instead you waste your time playing silly games. So what are you going to do about it? I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain control. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
On the 6th hole he hits a huge banana ball. By its size I could not guess The awesome strength it does possess; golf jokes golf jokes But since I fell beneath its spell golf jokes I've wandered through the fires of Hell. My life has not been quite the same Since I chose to play this game. A fortune it has made me spend. It has made me curse and cry. It promises a thing called "par". If I can hit it straight and far. But my desires the ball refuses golf jokes And does exactly as it choses. It hooks and slices.. With miles of grass on which to land It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul If it will just drop in the hole. But "The Ball" knows They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees? I could have been here ten years ago! He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: Back to the Table of Jokes Fore golf jokes A duffer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricocheted through the trees and onto the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.
When he got to his ball, he was greeted by the unintentional target, who angrily told him of the near miss.
Back to the Table of Jokes Sucker golf jokes A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole? The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish enough to bet with you.
I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses. The atheist needs to make a two-foot putt in order to win. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks. I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
You keep your winnings. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you. He was a phenomenal putter. His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. Back to the Table of Jokes Personal Ads golf jokes The forty-something business executive - and an avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town as him. The ad read as follows - Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" lbs. Seeks similar qualities in a partner for long term relationship. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further? Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole. Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father - just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud - Almost feels like a hybrid.
Back to the Table of Jokes Tough Round golf jokes A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore. And now it's started. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend? The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a rage, listing every problem they had in the last 15 years they've been married, and she goes on and on and on. Finally the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week, can you do that "?
The husband says "No! Back to the Table of Jokes Do you know that Back to the Table of Jokes Bifocals golf jokes A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup. Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet. Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks.
After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills. Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room.
However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. An obviously tipsy Dave replied "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!
This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house. What can I do for you?
Is there a problem? The one that won the International competition? I spent a fortune on that bird. Who the hell fed him rotten meat? He ate the meat of the dead horse. He died from all that work pulling the water cart. What fire are you talking about, man? A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire. But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?
They're white - they're sold by the dozen - and a week later you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6: Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over. It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery.
On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight. You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine! I don't think you could keep your head down that long. We left that a half hour ago! But personally I prefer Golf. You miss the ball much closer than you used to. I once caddied for you!
It looks far too old. That would be too much of a coincidence" Golfer: It is a compass. Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen? During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in , one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.
By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker. How to get more distance off the shank. How to handle crying over poor shots How to rationalize a 7 hour round. How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent. Here is where you get to add your favorites!! Entering your Joke is easy to do. Your Joke will appear on a Web page exactly the way you enter it here. You can wrap a word in square brackets to make it appear bold. For example [my story] would show as my story on the Web page containing your story. Since most people scan Web pages, include your best thoughts in your first paragraph.
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Watch the video below to see if your interest in creating your own web site gets a spark. Now click the "Solo Build It! Good luck and have some fun. Powered By Solo Build It! I am a 9 handicap club golfer, 57 years of age and loves competition. Book your Tee Times at GolfNow. To get the free app, enter your mobile phone number. Would you like to tell us about a lower price? Nothing else captures the sublime of a perfectly hit ball off the tee quite like these carefully chosen jokes This golf book is perfect for the unfortunate Saturdays and Sundays when rain cancels a planned round. Download Your Copy Now.
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