An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday. Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Paddy says to Mick: An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.
I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both. Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick. Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Irishman replies, "Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
From pub gags, to funeral jokes, we cover them all. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. But where's my husband? Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you? An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven? The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall. The priest said, "I don't believe this. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well.
The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.
Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it.
The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again. Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you? Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister. McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
The pub is one of the main centres of Irish social life and a great source of jokes and banter or the craic as it's often referred to in Ireland. Not surprisingly. Have you heard the one about the blind horse? It's no secret that we Irish are famous for our sense of humour. From pub gags, to funeral jokes.
Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave. But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first? She followed her husband to the public house. An Irish man walks into a pub.
The bartender asks him, "what'll you have? He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States.
We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died. After a heavy night's drinking, two Irishmen stagger home from their country pub, intending to take a short cut through the graveyard. Being much the worse for wear, they decide to take a rest against a stone, where Paddy reads the inscription. Irish Stew We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: