Our age difference is 16 years. A typical May-December relationship. I didn't need to apply a freakonomics equation to help me understand what it really meant. When I was in grad school she was in kindergarten and when you think about it with or without an equation that's a tad bit freaky. Although the idea that I was a "cradle robber" or a " manther " was never spoken, there was no denying that our connection has always been attached to a certain stigma.
May-December relationships are typically frowned upon. It's assumed that Mr. December has issues related to intimacy and control and is somehow broken because he can't relate to women his own age. It's assumed that May has father issues to work out relating to authority.
What's missing from your mid-life crisis?
To me it's never been a big deal. I've always felt some people grow up "without a generation. And so, I've never really had any hang ups with age - mine or anyone else's. Since my teens, my friends have been closer to my parents age than to my own. Besides, most of my friendships and romantic relationships simply happen, sort of like the weather happens. It's not like I created a relationship business plan to meet May and went out seeking romance based on her demographic.
No one blinks when your best friend is an eighty year old in the nursing home, but start dating someone a quarter your age and the talons suddenly appear. There are plenty of May-December relationships with massive age gaps that work. But now that I'm in the process of crossing a new bridge in my relationship I'm beginning to think I've just been fooling myself. You see, after May and I fell in love, the mathematics of our age difference went into hiding and stayed hidden except when we found ourselves passing over the typical relationship speed bumps.
Did she not do the dishes because of our age difference or because she forgot?
Did I forget to call her because of our age difference or because I forgot? You're probably happy to know that there's now more than one way to gain access to the Coulrophobia club. And now, I admit I feel a little bipolar not to be confused with bi-winning which is what Charlie Sheen admitted he suffered from.
I mean what's a guy to do? In one full swoop I go from wanting to spend the rest of my life with a person to ending our four year relationship. It's like skipping the table of contents and going right to the appendix. Luckily, I don't have to worry about what to do with the ring - Was it a 15 or 30 day return policy?
Should I sell it on e-bay or pawn it? Is it ethical to save it for somebody else? You see, the very next day, I lost my grandmother's wedding ring - somewhere between Manhattan and Queens. With the last remaining symbol of my proposal missing in action, there is no proof in this world at least of the aforementioned proposal except for this blog entry. Until then, if you see smoke signals rising up from the vicinity of my heart, rest assured it's just a bunch of smoke babble like the sound a toddler makes when he drinks apple juice out of a two handle sippy cup.
Only a storyteller could turn heartbreak into such a beautifully written touching and lovely story. Give it a month If he keeps thinking about it in terms of "When I was in Grad school she was in Kintergarten" then yea, it may not last. But if you think of it in terms of We are both consenting adults who love each other, then there might be a better thought process about it.
People in my little small town have the same indoctrinated closed minded, uncultured and less evolved mentality. Nobody stays here that grows up here because of it. If they do, they are doomed. I have been dating a 25 year old AF Lt stationed in Cheyenne. She is getting out of the AF and we are considering marriage. We have even talked about moving back to my small little hometown and planting ourselves right down in the house I still own just to spite everyone else because they disagree with it so much.
WE do not care about the age gap. It has to be difficult to have a proposal turned down and especially if maggiage becomes an indicator of the strength of your relationship. There's a women out there that enjoyed your company for four years and you stopped seeing her because she didn't want to get married. Does she ever want to get married? Marriage to some is antiquated. The strength of your relationship is in no way linked to rings or dresses. I've heard people say the wedding is the social display that lets people know you're together.
I have news for those people. You're entire existence as a couple is the social display. How do you treat eachother on the days its not your wedding? If you want excitment go bunjie jumping. If you want the perfect romantic moment then have it. If you want commitment then prove it daily. None of those things have any meaningful connection to marriage.
We as people define the bonds we have not god or judge. Have you simly asked for an explanation? It was a lovely story, but it not certain that it has something to do with the reality of this particular situation. Wish you the best: The first part of your story reminds me of my relationship. My fiance' is 17 years older than me. We always joke that, instead of looking for a woman in bars, he should have been looking in kindergarten. Yes, kind of creepy. But, the older we get, age differences aren't as much of a big deal. We've been dating 10 years, engaged for 8, getting married in The one thing I've noticed is that he's slowed down a little as he's aged but even that wouldn't deter me from marrying him.
Unless she specifically indicated that it's the age difference, I wouldn't attribute her answer of "no" to that. And, if the age difference is going to be an issue for her, it's better to know now than later. I agree with Kevin. You should call her. That is--if you're still on speaking terms. There could have been a million other possibilities why she said no that night. Ranging anywhere from the break-down of modern social expectations concerning marriage, to maybe she wasn't feeling the best at the moment. The setting was another possibility.
Unless she expressed a particular fondness or life-long passion for the circus, then perhaps another setting may have been more ideal. At any rate, I think you owe it to both her and yourself to understand why this four-year relationship would come to such an abrupt ending. Clearly the age-gap didn't have a detrimental affect on the years in between, and even seemed quite enjoyable.
There may have been other factors at play here that can't be pinned so conveniently on the difference in age.
Perhaps getting the discussion started could lead to more open communication, and another chance at restarting the relationship with a healthier and vibrant understanding of the other. Anything worth having in this world is worth fighting for. And if you have any inkling or attachment at all to this person that you've spent time with and dated for such a long while, then a call and honest discussion should at least be within your license of personal interest. I didn't catch in the story that May was a clown, but the setting makes sense now.
Thank you for taking the time to point that out. Well, I'm in a May-December romance as well I'm the May in this case. We are approaching 3 years now, and still haven't properly talked about our year age gap yep, as he was living his early 20's, I wasn't even a fetus yet..
When I told my parents one year later, they felt disgraced, and still think I'm not in a serious relationship. Some of my friends know, but a lot disconnected with me because of Mr.
I sort of got over the issues as time passed. We moved in together and we hardly ever fight. I love him to death, with all my heart, and I know he is the one I want to marry if I ever get married. BUT, I sort of think marriage is an old-fashioned thing anyway, I'm in no rush, but I know its definitely on his mind.. I always think that we met with unfortunate timing.
I was only 18 when we met. If only we met when I was 25 or even in my 30's, then I'd be more comfortable with the relationship because I'd have lived my prime. I feel like my youth has been taken away, but if I let go of him, then I'll lose something special. If my Mr December proposes to me next month which I think he will because he is taking me to Europe, and it just feels like that is bound to happen I will say the N word too.
As much as it will hurt me to say it.. We have talked about marriage, kids, etc already, but I have already pointed out to him that I am not ready for that stuff now, its a great picture for the future, but for now I want to concentrate on other things like, for example, career plans. Deep down, I also want to experience a younger boyfriend, closer to my age, before I get married and never get to experience 'normal' relationships again. And in an ideal world, I reach 30 and get back with Mr December to settle down!
How will I express that to him!? I still haven't opened up to him about my age gap issues I know its what I need to do, but I just don't know how to say it. I just want to make him happy because he has gone through a lot of pain in his life, but now I think I'm just going to add to the pain if I ask him to let me live my youth a little. I'm confused on what to do.. But I know I need to tell him very soon before its too late. So, in your case, she probably said 'no' because the timing was wrong, and would like to live her life a little more too before saying "I do".
I apologize for leaving such a long comment, I didn't mean to but I sort of kept typing and typing. But I just want to share a similar case, but from the other end. Hope you sort things out soon. My eyes were finally opened to the reality of our situation. It was sad and it hurt and it was full of tears, but it was honest - your honesty was obviously contagious. Thank you for reading my long comment, your page really opened me up haha. It was so beautiful and sincere, it's amazing that I even came across it.
I was pretty much in tears reading what you wrote. I Related to it a lot. I'm glad you discussed it with her after, and I can imagine how hard that would of been.
I hope you still stay close friends with May, because 4 years is a long time. I'm in a May-December relationship as well I'm "May" and 36 and he's 53 and one of the reasons I found this page is that I'm trying to navigate how these kinds of relationships work. We've been together for over a year, we were friends first for years, then fell in love hard and fast, moved into together very quickly, seamlessly and without making a major decision about it. I think one of its special challenges is that no one else I know has any insight into what it feels like to have a significant age difference, I'm not close to anyone else who's age difference with their partner is more than 5 years.
A "May-December" relationship is different than a "standard" relationship where people are the same age and it's foolish to think the age gap doesn't matter-- it does-- but I personally cherish it. If he asked me to marry him I'd say yes, in a heartbeat, but I don't know if I see that on the horizon. We're both divorced, I don't know if he imagines ever remarrying, I think he needs more time to sort that out.
He seems to have more misgivings about the age difference than I do, worries that down the road I'd be "burdened" by him as he ages. I've explained that I've already accepted what that might mean and that just because he is older doesn't mean life won't have other surprises, I frankly don't take anything for granted. I love him now, can't imagine my life without him, and who knows what tomorrow will bring. I just came upon your posts as I digest the sudden end to my relationship. A 22 year gap, beginning with her at 18 and me almost My professional friends would make the typical jokes you would except, my love was so oblivious to it.
When 1 year became 3' then 5' and then 10 years, the jokes and snide comments had long since stopped. She was young and beautiful, looking for a stable father figure.
Age gap: 22 years At age 67, Indiana Jones married the Ally McBeal star, then from previous marriages and relationships, and two young ones with Lancaster. . Join or Renew with AARP today — Receive access to exclusive information. They put the ever-widening age gap on centerstage. Here's more on the These are some underlying dynamics in the younger woman-older man relationship.
I was professional and financially stable, with no baggage. She went to school and received her college degree, I worked and supported her every whim-- from vacations to the most frivolous creature comforts. She always laughed at the idea that our ages made a difference. She said she loved me, even though i was controlling and yes, critical of her younger friends.
I was older, smarter, and wealthier. I was too judgmental. In the last two years, I sensed a change in her. She no longer wanted to go out. Lost an interest in shopping. We as a couple no longer socialized with her friends. I had made her financially independent. Car, condo, credit cards, bank accounts in her own name.
I never wanted to be "that" guy who kept her by my side because of money. Last week, after a subtle decline and emotional separation, we took a break, however I knew it was the end. I stopped having all contact with her family and friends. The term "old" had become part of her vocabulary. After many denials, she admitted to a night with a young man, which I believe to be a relationship.
This young man is only 19 or I'm old enough to realize it doesn't really matter. It's a breakup and her fling is a result of our problems, not the cause. After going through all of the typical emotions: I am struggling to find acceptance.
I have come to accept that it is probably for the best-- for her. She is young, educated, and financially secure well, she can get by for a year or two without working and not starve. I am almost Where would we be in 10 more years? I can truly say that I will love her forever but she deserves to have a life with someone to grow old with, together. She said that she still loved me in " her own way".
She also said I pushed her away. As of today, we have had only one conversation since she admitted to the fling-- she said it meant nothing-- I'm from a different generation. It hurts very much. I have not told any of our friends that we separated, some obviously know, but I don't discuss it. I prepaid many of the bills to give her a head start and make it easier for her. I've loved and protected her for so long, I couldn't just abandon her. I know, no fool like an I read your comment and immediately wanted to respond.
This blog is so old, I don't know if you'll even read it, but I wanted to tell you I'm in a similar situation. Mine didn't last as long, as we got together and were broken up in just about exactly one year. We had an almost 25 year difference between us, me being 33 and him, I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. While he never proposed because we knew from the start that we could never have a permanent future, had we had a "normal" relationship, he would have proposed and we would have been married or soon to be married.
I really feel like I lost something special. In my case, Mr. December reached a point where I had to make a decision. As much as I knew he loved me, I also knew I couldn't hold his life up forever. He found a new interest and told me to choose. More interestingly, when older men father children, their genes seem to increase the lifespan of both sexes over evolutionary time.
Women often lose their reproductive capacity around age 50, but if men can still reproduce into their 70s, Darwin would say it's advantageous for males to live longer lives providing they can hook up with a woman capable of reproducing. Natural selection should favor longevity-boosting genes, which would get passed down from fathers to both sons and daughters.
So women would benefit as well in future generations, the scientists say. Over time, the older-guy-with-younger-gal lifestyle would lift the lifespan ceiling for both men and women in the next generations and so on. Anthropologist Cheryl Jamison of Indiana University, who was not involved in the research, called the results "fascinating.
From an evolutionary perspective, women who can no longer reproduce are non-players, and since it takes two, men partnered with menopausal women are also irrelevant. Following that idea, natural selection should select for harmful mutations that impact women after menopause. Over time, the discriminating genes would accumulate in the population, causing what evolutionary biologist William Hamilton called the "wall of death," in which mortality of women spikes at the onset of menopause.
Population records and everyday observations indicate that's not the case. Life expectancy for men and women in today's industrialized countries is 75 to 85 years, with mortality increasing gradually, not abruptly, following female menopause. To figure out whether male fertility could help explain human longevity, Shripad Tuljapurkar of Stanford University and his colleagues examined lifespan and fertility data from both men and women.
They studied four societies thought to closely mimic the lifestyles of our ancestors, including two hunter-gather groups, the Dobe! Kung of the Kalahari Desert in southern Africa and the Ache of Paraguay one of the most isolated populations in the world , as well as the Yanomamo forager-farmers of the Brazilian Amazon and an indigenous group in Bolivia called the Tsimane. The research team also looked at farming villages in the West African nation of Gambia and a group of modern Canadians.
In all six groups, women stopped having children on average by their 50s, while some men continued to reproduce. The average age after which men showed no reproduction varied among the groups:. Until now, the most popular explanation for the bounty of overs, called the "grandmother hypothesis," suggested women get a life extension in order to care for their children and grandchildren.